I looked down at the boats meandering through the JW Marriott Desert Springs Resort & Spa hotel lobby in Palm Springs.
These folks that I train and minister to live such different lives than me, yet each year for the past seven years, they have flown me out to the coast to train them at their CEO retreat. We meet at beautiful venues, and I am treated like a queen for three days. Eighteen CEOs and their wives, who over the years became the best of friends, personally brought me into their fold for their own reasons.
While I took in the view, I noticed a woman waiting to get on the boat. Soon, I realized she was a mom as my eyes saw a teen immersed in her phone screen. A few feet beyond the teen was a young man, presuming the son, who was mesmerized by the swans swimming away from the boat as it entered the lobby. I sensed tension between the mom and daughter but didn’t know why I was picking up on that. The mom exerted several heavy sighs over the next five minutes. I did not see anyone give notice to the other family members. A man walked down the steps. The son caught his eye first and went near, but not near enough for a head ruffle or an arm hug. The teen girl never looked up from her phone. The mom looked straight out at the mountains that flanked the western horizon. Eventually, the girl moved onto the boat, never making any relational contact with the rest of the family members. That phone. No one spoke except the man to the boat guide. And off they went on their boat ride.
The scene took my breath away. The CEOs I would be working with tomorrow had their issues to be sure, but none that I know of were living in an icebox with one another. I was grateful for the work they had done in their marriage over the seven years I had gotten to know them. They had honest conversations. Honest fights. The CEOs had learned how to become more vulnerable in their relationships and were willing to admit they had much to learn. I liked these folks. But I always felt a sense of responsibility towards them – to ensure I brought worthwhile experiences and training during time away from their businesses, but more importantly, their families in which they had so little time.
Thinking Fast
Today, we will dig into the topic of thinking fast and thinking slow, based on Daniel Kahneman’s Nobel Prize-worthy work and published in his book “Think Fast, and Slow.” This was the topic of my retreat workshop for those 18 CEOs last year. Thinking fast is fun. It provides an adrenaline kick. It makes us feel like we are wearing the red cape. We get the dopamine hit that comes with solving the next problem or moving the next effort along. Can you feel the rev? Let’s go!
Hold on. Let’s wait a minute here.
Thinking fast also causes us to miss so much. We can get on a boat and never realize we made zero eye contact with family members. We can see our daughter’s face on the phone, experience distance and frustration while longing to connect, and quickly move on to other thoughts that make us feel powerful and important. We can catch a glimpse of a spouse who is sulking and quickly assumes a landmine that needs to be avoided at all costs. Thinking fast dismisses deeper relational concerns and distances us from the implications of those dismissals where denial can grow more every day.
Like that boat, we glide across the waters, the swans quickly move out of our way reminding us that we are in charge. Thinking fast reinforces well-trained patterns of thought.
Thinking Slow
Thinking slowly creates opportunities and is disruptive. Thinking slowly is like opening a second window and letting cross ventilation into a room. Fresh air. Fresh perspective. Thinking slowly is humbling. Baked into slowing down is the recognition and admission that there is more for us to learn, and our starting point admission is “I don’t know.”
Daniel describes two systems:
- automatic reaction
- override system.
System 2 oversees self-control and protects us from allowing System 1 to blind us to important data that will inform and shape our relationship with the world and the people around us.
Try This Example
Experiment with taking a walk with someone around the office and just asking how their day is going. You’ll notice that the conversation is casual, and the stroll is unbroken. Then insert a question such as – how much is 22 x 13? You’ll find that the person you are speaking to must stop walking. Much more energy is now engaged in attempting to respond to your question. System 2 overrode System 1 and at that moment, the person must stop other automatic activities to put more energy into the task at hand, multiplying 22 by 13.
Why is this simple experiment significant? As a leader, you ask your team complex questions expecting creative answers because you know they are capable of them. However, that capability requires a certain environment in which to be activated. A rushed meeting, a pressurized time frame, or a brief sidebar meeting you create because you happen to have the time does not do justice to the question you are asking for the creative well that you are attempting to access in the other person. You are asking for System 2 information using a System 1 approach.
Another Quick Example
Another quick experiment. Draw three lines. What did you draw? Three parallel lines? An open box? A triangle? When we as leaders give commands/instructions, people are trained to react quickly. System 1 kicks in – the employee might say “his signature is on my paycheck, so I better get to those three lines.” Your instructions are met with what might be viewed as incompetence because the employee did not think to ask you any questions (System 2). The employee just did as the employee heard without extra pause – draw three lines (System 1). When giving instructions around complex tasks that have multiple departments or functions involved, it is best to create an environment where System 2 is allowed to be activated, safely and respectfully to save untold hours by re-explaining and reworking subpar solutions.
We’ve explored two opportunities to set the stage to leverage System 2 thinking in conversations – when asking questions requiring thoughtful responses and when giving instructions/commands for something. In both cases, barring an emergency and you simply need the fire put out, we as leaders would be wise to consider whether we want to set the stage with a System 1 (quick, down, and dirty) or System 2 (thoughtful conversation) approach.
A Real Life Story
Making this very real, recently a business owner (I will call him Jack) was fried and furious with his team leader. This led to the three of us getting on a call. He had decided that she was resistant to hiring a marketing person because she didn’t understand the business and was protecting her territory, etc. His System 1 was in hyperdrive. There was zero curiosity and plenty of judgment coming out. Ever been there before?
The business owner started the conversation with “Why don’t you want to bring in a marketing person?” But instead of listening to her answer, he went right into selling her on the need for this person. She clammed up. He got frustrated with her and saw that as resistance and lack of respect. Within three minutes, we were back in show-down mode on the call.
I asked Jack if he could switch to a curious posture. That was hard for him. Being curious felt like he was disrespecting himself. Certainly, he felt like he was giving up control. Finally, he was terrified of a possible indication that he was willing to compromise on his plan to hire this person, which he was not willing to do. But after working together for five years, he trusted me enough to step into this go-slow-to-go-fast moment.
“Ok Coach, what do you mean be curious?”
“Ask her (I will call her Jill) a question you don’t have any idea what the answer is.”
And to my surprise and delight he asked, “Why do you think we don’t need to hire a person for marketing?”
Jill shared two very important things when given the space and the safety of having a coach there:
- People don’t have enough work to do as it is so why bring in another person?
- It seems that what he wants can be done with just about 5 hours per week with the current team.
Jack was shocked. He had no idea that there was capacity in the current employees’ days for this nor was he aware that someone might even like doing this! It became a System 2 moment for him. He had to pause. In that pause, I asked Jill what she was most concerned about for Jack and the business. She reiterated that she knows Jack wants to be out of the office 50% of the time at this stage of the business, and she thinks she can help him get there.
Talk about a turnaround in five minutes. Five minutes! That was a go-slow-to-go-fast moment if I’d ever seen one. I streamlined this story for reading purposes, but I think you get the idea of how quickly something can change when we are willing to suspend our System 1 thinking and enter the realm of “I don’t know, but I want to know” System 2 thinking.
Loss Aversion vs Gains
Lastly, the book also discusses the concept of prospect theory, which Kahneman developed with Amos Tversky. This theory explains how people make decisions involving risk and uncertainty, showing that people tend to fear losses more than they value gains (loss aversion), which often leads to irrational choices.
Imagine now that your company is filled with folks concerned about loss aversion. Unless you as a leader create an environment that embraces the risk of loss for the opportunities to gain real value, you may find yourself, like that dad who climbed onto the boat, ever so aware of the strain and stress in his family but paralyzed to do anything. All potential creative energy for entering the chaos is “caught” in his throat as a lump of fear, denying System 2 alerts firing off inside his soul, pleading for him to take notice and make a meaningful change.
What pathways will you choose going forward?
Leader Insights Articles Update
As a reader, you will notice a change in our articles going forward as this is my final year writing these Leader Insights. The new direction will be ministerial in nature, while aiming to breathe fresh life into our personal lives inevitably impacting our professional lives. My faith in Jesus is central to my life, and I am passionate about sharing this good news and hope while I transition fully into this ministry. Not to be likened to Fred Rogers in any way except this – I love souls. Souls have been hurt and need healing. Souls that have been forgotten and need to be seen. Souls are suffocating and need to breathe fresh air of compassion and love to be nourished and revived.
We will publish several more Leader Insights this year. Meanwhile, you will have the opportunity to join a newsletter from Promised Land Living, a faith-based non-profit I founded a handful of years ago, as a continuation of our relationship and a way to stay connected. I have been grateful for the past decade to share my insights in working with leaders like you. I have learned as much or more from you, as I imagine you have gleaned from me sharing this content full of stories from experiences relating to many of our lives in Leader Insights.
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